Dark Holes and Chocolate

I can’t believe it has been 2 months since I last wrote anything. However, my dear friends Stress and Anxiety have been visiting over the last few weeks, and I’ve been at their beck and call. They even shouted me a couple of trips to hospital and an overnight stay with breakfast. Good news; it’s nothing too serious. Although it’s easy to say it’s nothing serious, it’s not so easy when it feels like your heart is trying to escape captivity.

Unfortunately this has had an effect on my writing.  I can’t get centred enough to concentrate. I write a few lines, and either my mind just goes blank or my energy dissipates.

So needless to say, I’m trying to find my way back to my muse and wacky self – without the aid of medication. It’s hard, but having climbed out of the hole once before, I know I can do it.

It’s just going to take a while and lots of patience. But I know one thing for sure, not matter how much caffeine it has, I am not giving up chocolate!  

 

Walking The Path

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As you can tell, it has been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog.  

There have been times when I wanted to write about events in life but I chose discretion. Let’s just say, over the last few months I have been involved in one of those events that have the capacity to either crush or remake you. After being crushed for a while, I’ve decided I’m in the remaking stage.

So putting best foot forward with a newly empowered me, I took a jump and sent the first chapter of my novel to an editor.

I hated it – the waiting – not the editor. 

There was much chewing of nails, which is kinda hard when you have acrylic ones (black and pointed at the moment).  There was much pacing of floors and being prompted to ‘be quicker’ every time I passed the television. (I will admit I did pause slightly in my pacing when approaching said television).  And there was the inevitable staring into space and wishing to curl up in a corner, cause you know it was just bad, bad, bad.

Then the editor replied.

Good news, he read the first chapter and said I can write and write well – much smiling. He read my short story or novelette as he called it, and ‘thoroughly enjoyed it’ – more smiling.  

Wait for it.

He found it hard to find the plot in my novel.

And there it was.

Thud.

I dusted myself off, looked at the story again, and  *^%$, I had to agree with him.  It was, and still is at the moment, a collection of scenes that flow, and bend towards an end, but there is no string holding it together. No backbone.

Sigh.

So after consuming a whole block of dark chocolate, (to be truthful it was probably more like two… or three…), I forged forward.

It’s been a few weeks now, and I’m still trying to work out how to fix the problem. My story is complication, perhaps too complicated, and I have a lot of characters. However, I like to read complicated stories and stories with two main characters have a tendency to bore me, (there are exceptions). Yet I see the point. I need to cut back on the complications and characters. I need to be able to walk before I can run.

I think the problem is I wrote the basis for this novel over thirty years ago. My skills of a writer have grown since then and I’m still learning. Although the story has seen numerous drafts, the backbone or lack of hasn’t changed. I need to take a step back and tear it down to rebuild it.

It’s like that in life sometimes. We need to take a fresh look at a situation and break it down into pieces before we try to put it back together again.

I could throw my hands up in the air and just give up on the whole thing.

Or I can knuckle down and just get on with the job.

And we all know the saying: Anything worthwhile is never easy.

 

 

 

 

 

Strength

Depression looms like an oncoming storm

I am but driftwood in its path2016-01-12 magnetic Island 071.JPG

Tossed and thrown in the winds

I’m lost without direction.

 

A joy is taken, and thrown aside

Lying shattered upon the sand

Baked and split beneath the sun

A world without respite.

 

Colours in bloom appear above

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As the sun sinks past the horizon

Here is my place in the coolness of night

 

Silver shivers across the waves

The surf sings a lullaby

Sand caresses with soothing warmth

In arms I gratefully lie.

 

I stand and face the oncoming dawn

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The tide encroaches with single purpose

A shifting of sands undermined.

 

My path has moulded into something new

Yesterday lies behind me

Today an illusion, unexplored

And I follow the shifting sands.

 

There is always an oncoming storm

A rush of an incoming tide

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A solid surface being undermined.

 

No longer a puppet dangling on a string

I take a step, I sink, I continue

To a destination unknown I walk beside the storm

Strengthen with purpose, me, myself and I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of a Year

The end of a year2016-01-12 magnetic Island 104

The birth of another

Of lives that were ended

Of lives that were born

Fears reinvented

Fears newly formed

Love sprouted on wings

Love shattered like glass

Of the wonders of nature

Of the terror it brings

Words spoken with love

Words spoken with hate

A banquet, a feast

A hunger so deep

The end of a year

The birth of another

My Wish List

A wish list of dreams

Bogged down by reality

Never enough time

Never enough money

 

The foreshore has vanished

Under the guise of responsibility

Forever the tide is creeping

Onwards to cover my dreams

 

Things that seem so trivial

Become obstacles too high to broach

The physical rules, despite my protests

Is a force that cannot be denied

 

So I’ll bend the rules

Take another route

Not everyone takes the same steps

Nor are dreams quite the same

 

I will plod forward

Holidays not so grand

The milky-way shines bright

From my place

 

Alaska, a dream of cold wintry skies

While I sweat in summer heat

Floating ice in seas so cold

While I swim in tropical waters

 

Like dreams of writing

Commitment and drive

They ebb and flow

With the tide.

 

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My Window

I press my face against the glass

All I see is the bitter dark

Haunted with memories I cannot forget

I am lost in the pathways within my mind.

 

A spark, a movement of something new

A shred of light in the abyss

Laughter, a sound of forgotten times

Of an innocent life once born.

 

Desire, want and need overtake my soul

A raw pain rules my body

The dark is cast in shades of grey

Florescent hues tinge my madness.

 

As it draws near, so grows the scent

Of life, of heat, of sustenance

It is all that exists in this world of madness

It is all the truth I want to know.

 

The world has become a harrowing place

Of nightmares, that are real

A pain unrelenting, an emotion so cruel

I no longer recognise myself.

 

No, don’t stop outside my window

No, don’t try to peer inside

Don’t cup your hand around your eyes

For all you will see is lies.

 

Pass by, I plead with unspoken words

Yet I know you will ignore them

Curiosity, is a fatal flaw

When dealing with the likes of me.

 

Yes, come, step closer and give me your scent

And I will draw you into my body

For you are unique in a marvellous way

A soul gift wrapped in memories.

 

I can taste you now on the tip of my tongue

Sweet and sour, so enticing

The warmth of your life wraps around my dead heart

And I drown in your emotions.

 

The deed is done, my needs are met

The night beckons me forward

I no longer cringe from the faces around me

I stand just as human as they.

 

I’m well aware of this fleeting moment

Given to me at such cost

To experience a painless existence

Where my soul is not overwhelmed with greed.

 

The light of the sun begins long before

The night has finished its duty

I huddle once more, in the darkness of shadows

While life slips away from my fingers.

 

I will remember that moment, for the rest of my living

Your eyes as they searched the darkness

I will remember that moment, for the rest of my living

Your soul as I drank it dry.