I’m sitting on my black office chair, typing away on the keyboard and my nose is dripping like a tap. My eyes are red and itchy and my head is pounding. So, naturally I want to stare at a bright screen and sniffle my way through fogged thoughts.
There are dishes in the sink left over from last night’s meal. Washing needing to be hung out on the clothes line and the ironing pile almost reaches the ceiling. My dogs are looking at me through the screen with a pleading expression on their doggy faces, hoping I’ve forgotten they were only fed half an hour ago. And I dare not let the cat inside or I will swell up like a balloon and burst with the next sneeze.
The floor needs to be swept, the shower scrubbed and toilet cleaned. And my nose keeps dripping like a tap!
All I want to do is curl up on my bed, sheet over my head and sleep for the next 24 hours. Instead, I’m at my computer. Why?
Am I crazy? Probably, but I won’t go into details.
It’s the little voice inside my mind that won’t be quiet. It keeps asking two questions – What if….. and….. what would happen if…….. Okay, I admit there is a little bit of catastrophizing going on here – (a long story for another time.) But the questions keep popping into my brain, sneaking in between fleeting moments of unfogginess.
What if I was a millionaire? What would happen if a comet struck the earth? What if a handsome movie star fell in love with me? What would happen if a vampire sneezed? Wait! What?
A vampire sneeze? At that moment my brain stopped the questions (finally) but then I had to ponder it. First thought – how could something dead sneeze? Hmmm, vampires are supposed to have a heighten sense of smell, or is that werewolves? I’m talking about an imagined creature here, anything goes I guess, within reason. (They are imagined, aren’t they? Aren’t they?)
I’ll accept the premise if a vampire can smell the olfactory senses must work, hence the nerves can be irritated and they could sneeze.
Next question came quickly: if we explode germs when we sneeze, does a vampire? They don’t have germs, do they? Traditionally vampires weep blood, so it would stand to reason a vampire would sneeze droplets of blood.
When human germs burst into the atmosphere, they float around in the air waiting for someone to breathe them into their lungs. Okaaaay, so what would happen someone breathed in the by product of a vampires sneeze’ ?
Ingesting vampire blood, again traditionally, makes the ingestee either heal quickly or turns them into the vampire’s servant. Some stories suggest if a human swallows just one drop of blood they turn into vampire.
Well, there you have it. Forget the drinking of blood to become a vampire, it only takes one little sneeze!
Sigh, silence. I rub my itchy eyes and another question pops into my head.
What would happen if a zombie sneezed?