Bad Days

I don’t hide the fact I suffer from anxiety and depression. After the wonderful natural high of finally epublishing the anthology, I knew I was going to have ‘downer’ day. I wasn’t jinxing myself, I just know me, and after nearly two weeks the ‘downer’ struck.

One of the major facets in that downer was and is, I find it very hard to deliberately put myself out into the wilds of cyberspace. It took me a while to start my blog and now I have all these ideas, not enough know how and nowhere near enough time. Facebooking is my next challenge, but twittering comes first. And the pressure builds….

I attended a workshop, a couple of weeks ago where the topic was ‘finding your tribe’, discovering the ins and outs of creating your author platform. (There’s even a tweet with a picture of the back of all the participants heads chirping away in cyberspace.) The workshop was very interesting, informative and scary.  We also had to decide what our ‘brand’ was. I’m still chewing over it… And the pressure builds…. Good, bad – pressure doesn’t distinguish.

Naturally, my ‘downer’ hit the day after the workshop.

Endless self-incriminations followed: I can’t do this, I have no idea what I’m doing; No one had reviewed our books – where we that bad? Was I holding the others back?  I haven’t the time to do this and handle the pressure at work and be a wife and be a mother; How are we going to pay for this or that? IMG_8680It’s too hard…… etc.  My thoughts are like spaghetti sliding from the packet to end up a tangled mess onto the floor.

It was a work day and every morning as I’m eating breakfast, I check my emails and/or explore blogs. That morning I found a blog by Jay Colby http://jaycolby.com/2016/07/20/what-path-are-you-on-greatness-or-mediocrity

Jay talked about how the difference between mediocrity and greatness is the energy we put into creating our desire.

It reiterated my endless incriminations were my insecurities, and I was subconsciously setting myself up to fail before I even started.

It was exactly what I needed to read at that moment in time. My decision was made. I wasn’t going to allow my ‘downers’ to sabotage me anymore. I am going to finish what I started so many many years ago. There will be road blocks; like an old whiplash injury that won’t leave me alone; the computer deciding to pull the plug at the last moment; and no one else is going to clean that stove unless I do.

Things may distract me, but won’t stop me – not anymore.

As to my tribe….. It’s still a work in progress.

 

 

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